As parents, we all strive to nurture and support our children in the best way possible. However, sometimes the words we use—spoken out of frustration or habit—can unintentionally affect their emotional growth and self-esteem. While some phrases may seem harmless, they can leave a lasting impact on how children see themselves and their relationship with us. Here, we’ll explore some common phrases parents should reconsider using, and offer alternative ways to communicate that promote understanding and positive development.

Avoid Using Threats

Many parents, at some point, find themselves resorting to threats to encourage their children to listen or behave. Phrases like “Don’t make me…” or “If you don’t do this, I’ll…” may seem like quick solutions, but they often lead to broken promises and undermine trust. Children quickly learn when their parents don’t follow through, making them less likely to take threats seriously. Instead of threatening, try providing clear, calm instructions and explaining the consequences of actions in a way that encourages responsibility.

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Repeating Yourself Doesn’t Help

It’s easy to become frustrated when your child doesn’t follow instructions right away. However, complaining about repeating yourself, such as saying, “Why do I have to repeat myself 100 times?” doesn’t serve any purpose. Children, especially younger ones, might not fully process your words the first time. A more effective approach is to calmly restate what you need them to do, and remind them of your earlier instructions. This helps maintain a constructive environment rather than focusing on irritation.

Praise the Effort, Not Just the Result

Praising children for their intelligence with statements like “You’re so smart!” might seem like a positive reinforcement, but it can lead to unintended consequences. Children who are praised for their innate abilities may develop a fixed mindset, believing that success comes easily to them and that they don’t need to put in the effort. Instead, celebrate their hard work and persistence. Recognizing the effort behind the achievement helps children develop a growth mindset, encouraging them to keep trying and improving.

Validate Their Emotions, Don’t Dismiss Them

When children express their feelings, it’s important to take them seriously. Telling them they’re being “ridiculous” or dismissing their emotions can make them feel invalidated. Instead, listen attentively to their concerns and acknowledge their feelings. Even if you don’t fully understand their reaction, trying to empathize helps build trust and emotional intelligence. Ask open-ended questions to better understand why they feel a certain way, which can guide them in processing their emotions.

Respect Their Feelings, No Matter How Small They May Seem

As adults, it can be easy to downplay a child’s concerns. Telling them, “It’s not a big deal” when they’re upset about something might make them feel their emotions are unimportant. Even if you don’t see the issue as significant, their feelings are real and deserve acknowledgment. Instead of brushing it off, try offering reassurance and empathy, such as, “I understand that this is upsetting for you. Let’s talk about it.”

Avoid Rushing Them

Children can struggle with the concept of time, and trying to rush them can only add to their stress. Phrases like “Hurry up!” might make them anxious, especially if they’re feeling overwhelmed. Instead of pressuring them, break down the task into smaller steps and offer gentle guidance. For instance, saying “We need to finish getting ready, then we can go!” provides a clear structure and reduces anxiety.

Be Mindful of Your Attitude Towards School Subjects

Sometimes, parents unknowingly transfer their own dislikes to their children. For example, saying, “I’ve always hated math!” can make a child develop a similar aversion, even if they are naturally good at the subject. Children look to their parents for cues, so it’s important to approach challenges with a positive attitude. Encourage your child to enjoy learning and let them know that struggling with a subject is part of the learning process.

Encourage Responsibility for Their Actions

Children need to understand that their actions have consequences. While it’s important to support them, statements like “I know you didn’t mean to hurt him” can undermine this lesson. Instead, acknowledge their emotions and help them recognize the impact of their behavior. Offering guidance on how to handle situations better next time will help them grow emotionally and socially.

Don’t Set Unrealistic Expectations

Asking your child, “Did you have a good day at school?” might seem innocent, but it can place unnecessary pressure on them to give a perfect answer. If they had a tough day, they might feel guilty or discouraged. Rather than making assumptions, ask open-ended questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” to give them space to share their experience without feeling judged.

Avoid Making Them Feel Defective

If you ask your child, “What’s wrong with you?” in a frustrated tone, it can deeply affect their self-esteem. They may start to internalize this message and wonder if something is wrong with them as a person. Instead, try to approach the situation with empathy by asking, “What’s going on?” This helps them feel heard and understood, fostering a stronger emotional connection.

Allow Room for Mistakes

Sometimes, in an effort to protect our children, we end up over-correcting them. Statements like “He didn’t do it on purpose” may seem protective, but they prevent children from learning from their mistakes. It’s important to let them take responsibility for their actions and learn how to handle the consequences. This teaches them accountability and helps them build resilience.

Shielding Children from Adult Concerns

While it’s natural to have financial concerns as an adult, it’s not appropriate to burden your child with them. Phrases like “I don’t know how we will pay all these bills” can cause anxiety and confusion for children who are not equipped to understand the complexities of adult problems. Keep these conversations private and provide your child with emotional support without involving them in adult stress.

Avoid Empty Threats

Saying “Stay here then, I’m leaving” when your child is reluctant to leave a playground can create feelings of insecurity. Children need to feel safe and secure, and threatening to leave them behind can make them feel abandoned. Instead, calmly explain the situation, give them a warning, and reassure them that you will always return.

Never Dismiss Their Feelings as “Babyish”

Telling a child to “stop being a baby” invalidates their emotional experience. It can discourage them from expressing their feelings and create a distance in your relationship. Instead, ask your child how they feel and why they feel that way. This encourages open communication and emotional growth.

Teaching the True Meaning of Sharing

The phrase “Sharing is caring” is often used to teach children generosity, but young children don’t always understand the concept of empathy. Forcing them to share their favorite toys may lead to resentment rather than compassion. Instead of enforcing sharing, model empathy and explain why it’s important to think of others’ feelings.

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Conclusion: The Power of Words

The way we speak to our children has a profound impact on their emotional development, self-esteem, and relationship with us. By being mindful of the language we use, we can create an environment that fosters emotional intelligence, trust, and open communication. Avoiding harmful phrases and replacing them with thoughtful, supportive alternatives will help our children grow into confident, empathetic individuals who feel safe expressing themselves. Let’s choose our words wisely, as they are the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship with our children.