Becoming a new parent often feels like stepping onto an emotional rollercoaster. With the excitement of welcoming a new life comes the overwhelming stress of adjusting to parenthood. Amidst the joy, many new parents also face doubt, exhaustion, and pressure, particularly when well-meaning family members offer unsolicited advice. While these remarks may come from a place of care, they can unintentionally chip away at a new parent’s confidence. Here, we explore some of the most common toxic comments made by older generations, why they can be harmful, and how to offer more supportive alternatives.

Toxic Phrases Often Used by Older Parents (and Why They Can Be Damaging)

“Your baby isn’t talking much—are you sure everything is okay?”

Developmental milestones are important, but comments like this can easily cause unnecessary panic. Parents, especially those navigating new territory, may already be worried about their child’s development, and a remark like this can heighten their anxieties.

Supportive Alternative: Instead of highlighting potential delays, offer reassurance: “Babies grow at their own pace, and it’s amazing to see their unique journey unfold.”

“We didn’t do it that way, and you turned out fine.”

This comment often undermines the choices modern parents make and can make them feel judged. It implies that they are overcomplicating things or not following tradition.

Supportive Alternative: Rather than questioning their approach, show interest: “Parenting has evolved so much! Tell me more about why you’ve chosen this method.”

Video

Watch this video to explore why every generation seems to hate the one that comes after it!

“Why are you still breastfeeding or bottle-feeding? Isn’t it time to stop?”

Feeding choices are deeply personal, influenced by a parent’s health, lifestyle, and their baby’s needs. Questions like this can make parents feel judged for their choices.

Supportive Alternative: Offer encouragement instead: “It’s clear you’re doing great with feeding. How can I help support you?”

“You’re holding the baby too much, you’re spoiling them.”

This outdated perspective undermines a parent’s natural instinct to comfort and bond with their baby. Research has shown that responding to a baby’s needs helps foster emotional security.

Supportive Alternative: Instead of criticizing, highlight the love being shared: “Your baby is so lucky to have parents who shower them with love and affection.”

“Back in my day, we didn’t have all these gadgets and parenting books.”

This comment dismisses the modern tools and resources that many parents today use to feel informed and supported. It can make parents feel that their approach is inferior.

Supportive Alternative: Ask with genuine curiosity: “I didn’t have these tools when I was raising kids—how do they work?”

“Let them cry it out, it’s good for their lungs.”

While this advice was once popular, it can be harmful as it contradicts modern parenting philosophies that emphasize emotional connection and responsiveness.

Supportive Alternative: Rather than pushing a specific method, express understanding: “How’s the baby’s sleep going? It’s a big change for everyone, and I’m here if you need anything.”

“You’re not going back to work already, are you?”

This type of comment creates pressure and makes parents feel judged no matter what their decision is regarding work and family life balance.

Supportive Alternative: Show support for their choices: “It’s wonderful that you’re doing what’s best for your family.”

“You’re overreacting, it’s just a phase.”

Dismissing a parent’s feelings can make them feel unheard and invalidated. Even though the intention might be to reassure, it can often have the opposite effect.

Supportive Alternative: Acknowledge their experience: “That sounds really tough. How can I help you through it?”

“A little chocolate won’t hurt the baby.”

Pressure to introduce foods or habits before parents are ready can create unnecessary anxiety and guilt.

Supportive Alternative: Respect their choices: “You know your baby best—I’ll follow your lead on what’s best for them.”

“You look exhausted—you should rest more.”

While this may be true, pointing out a parent’s tiredness often feels like criticism rather than genuine concern.

Supportive Alternative: Offer to help: “You’ve been working so hard. Let me take over while you get some much-needed rest.”

Why These Comments Can Be Harmful

While most of these comments come from a place of care, they can feel more like criticism, especially to new parents who are already dealing with significant emotional and physical challenges. The transition to parenthood brings with it not only physical changes but also emotional upheaval, including body image struggles, postpartum recovery, and self-doubt. When these remarks undermine a parent’s confidence, they can lead to guilt, frustration, and second-guessing. Instead of providing comfort, they often heighten stress and contribute to feelings of inadequacy.

How Older Generations Can Avoid Harmful Comments

Parenting has evolved significantly over the years, and what worked decades ago may not be the most effective approach today. To support new parents without overstepping, older parents can adjust their mindset and approach. Here are some tips:

• Be open to learning: Acknowledge the changes in parenting styles and show respect for modern methods. Being open to learning about new parenting practices helps foster mutual respect.
• Share stories, not judgments: Rather than comparing parenting styles from the past to the present, share personal anecdotes. This creates a space for empathy and understanding, rather than judgment.
• Celebrate the baby’s milestones and joy: Focus on the happiness of the baby and the progress they make, rather than critiquing the methods the parents use. Positive reinforcement is more supportive than unsolicited advice.

Real-Life Examples of Harmful Comments

• Comment on appearance: One mother of premature twins shared how her mother told her, “You’re lucky they came early; you don’t have stretch marks!” As a new mom dealing with the challenges of caring for micro-preemies, this remark felt insincere and hurtful.
• Comment on body shape: A mother recalled how her father-in-law criticized her physical appearance just days after childbirth, saying, “You need to tie down your stomach.” As she was recovering from stitches and sleep deprivation, this comment added unnecessary emotional strain.
• Pressure on feeding choices: Another mother recalled how her in-laws questioned her decision to breastfeed, asking, “How long are you going to keep breastfeeding?” This comment came while she was juggling pumping and feeding, and it added unnecessary stress during an already challenging time.
• Comment on body image: A friend of a new mother asked, “Are you upset about the stretch marks and weight gain?” just after she had returned home from the hospital. Dealing with physical discomfort and exhaustion, this question was the last thing she needed.

Protecting Your Family: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Navigating the challenges of new parenthood is tough enough without having to deal with well-meaning but intrusive comments. One father shared his experience of prioritizing his wife’s health during pregnancy, setting firm boundaries with family members to protect their peace. Although it was not an easy decision, he understood that protecting his wife’s well-being was essential to their family’s happiness.

Video

Watch this video to see a fascinating comparison of generations from 1901 to 2024!

Conclusion

Parenthood is a complex and emotional journey, and new parents face many challenges along the way. Offering support rather than judgment is key to helping them navigate this transition with confidence. By reframing harmful comments and offering empathy, we can help new parents feel empowered in their choices. Each family’s parenting path is unique, and providing unconditional support can make all the difference in their experience. Let’s celebrate their journey, not critique it.